Lost somewhere between heaven and hell I wander the streets from late at night to early morning light. I say many things that I shouldn’t on a daily almost hourly basis, at the same time I don’t say many things that I should. I keep much of myself hidden; from my loved ones, from my friends and family, even from myself. I pretend to be more confident than I am, I swallow my pride for the sake of the greater good, I make myself out to be invincible (I’ve even considered it as a tattoo across my abdomen). I show no fear in the face of certain danger I make calculated risk, gambling with my life more than my money. I have been down the rabbit hole more than once in my life. The facts are I am far from invincible, far from invulnerable, and far from fearless. I have my fears and doubts about my current trek back across country. Anitra if you’re reading this, I just want to say that my fears and doubts will not deter me from giving you everything I have left to give. I am well aware of how strong our love is and what a precarious perch it rest on.  I know that what I want and what she wants often conflict and that at times I dream of a wife and a family and she does not. I vow to give it my all and never give up on what I feel is the strongest connection I have ever made to another human being. Despite the opposition I have received or the obstacles I have had to overcome and will continue to overcome. My mind and my heart have gotten older I recognize what’s really important now more than ever. It’s not the sex (per se), it’s not the booze, or drugs , it’s not going out and spending gobs of money that could be used for more lasting goods and services. What matters, are the connections we make along the way. I do not regret my ill spent youth (well not all the time), I do however embrace what growing up has taught me. The lessons I have learned, and not just the criminal ones either, but the emotional ones. I know now more than ever that my friends and family is the most important thing to me. I have partied with the best and will at the drop of a dime, drink any man or woman under the table! But in an effort to become more humble I will admit that there may be one or two out there who may best me.
            It has been a tumultuous year for me, and for the country on a whole. We are facing the second decade of the new millennium and time is speeding up. There are those who feel we are headed for a cataclysmic shift, whether it will be physically manifested or psychologically, we each stand teetering upon the precipice of another age to be named by future archaeologist. We who are alive during this time are pioneers and forefathers of the next wave, we are the sentinels and keepers of a dying flame, and we are the vanguard of what is to come. It is important we chose or roles carefully. Many will be mere bystanders, but those of us who strive to effect change and push forward the boundaries of perception are entrusted with guiding the next decade into a more positive foundation. The last decade was marked by unprecedented change and hope, as well as great upheaval and opposition. There are many who seek to combat the progress and reverse the clock, but time marches on, we must not waver in the face of conflict. I have chosen to combat the enemy with honesty and love and openness, yet with a vile encrusted fist of stark removal. The journey I have made this year from state to state and home to home has brought me full circle and I have seen much and had many thoughts on what is next for me and for the world at large. There can be no separation, I am hoping not to repeat past mistakes but I know I will.  There is a since of trepidation with each leap forward we make. We ask ourselves are we doing the right thing, or are we merely following a broken path laid out by our parents and those who have come before us. As young people we struggle to define ourselves and create our own paths, yet remain tethered to our linage.
        As we each strive to become better individuals there is a strong pull to become better collectively. It is in our DNA to desire procreation and find solace within each other. We are also wired to be territorial and defensive. The human animal is strange and complex and it is this duality and inner conflict which we mirror in the world.  Yes Virginia, there is a collective unconscious.  We are all connected (like it or not), we have a responsibility to one another and with that said it is the duty of certain members of us to destroy so that others can create something new. Old walls must be torn down for new roads to be built.    
 
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Now playing: Valient Thorr - Stranded On Earth
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So I'm leaving my North Carolina (my home) again. Perhaps too early, but I can't get a job here and I know I can in Atlanta. But that's not the only reason, the fact is it's true you can't go home again. I thought coming home would be a return to the old days (at least a little), booze, girls, but this time no arrest. Yet, my friends that are left here for the most part are wifed up with kids and lives they've been leading since my grand departure. It's not that I expected them to drop everything and spend every free moment with me, but I expected a few phone calls at least. We've hung out here and there, but my lack of funds has kept me sequestered for a good portion of my time here. Last week one of my brothers told me no one wanted to support me when they went out and that's why no one called. And last night someone I've known for over 15yrs took a swing at me. Granted he was wasted and has a history of mental illness, but in all our years knowing each other he has never swung on me. Later that night a guy who was more or less just a kid the last time I lived in this town asked me what did I expect coming back. It made me think, yes it's true that I haven't lived here for nine years, but I did expect more than what I received. My main partner in crime has put me up, kept me in smokes for the most part and even took me out drinking last night, but I had hoped for a job, more parties, more fun than what I got. I had some good nights and got trashed a few times, I'll be 32 in a few weeks so I know that we are all too old to go around reliving 1996 every night, but I'm not married (yet), I have no kids, and I'm not dead. I have spent 2009 indoors behind a computer screen typing my life away. It's time I get back out there so I have some shit to write about. Lately what blogs I have managed to post have been empty and merely recycling information I found on the web. So I'm leaving my computer and my comic books here in North Carolina and making my way without them for a while. I have no idea how I will get them shipped to wherever I end up. I don't expect to be in Atlanta more than two months, but you never know.  I'm going to miss my NC homies, and I hate I didn't get to spend more time with my sister and little nieces (that's a whole other story). I should have called more, made more of an effort on my part. I just felt that if they weren't calling me they must have had more to do. I have never been one to force someone to hang out or beg for that matter. I let everyone know where they could find me and that I would be down for what ever when ever. Sorry we couldn't work it out peeps, maybe next time, when we're all 40 and the kids are off at college or high school at least. I'm not as removed from my boys in ATL, no ones married or raising kids down there, they're still going strong, or at least I hope so. 


On a brighter note, I got a phone call from a job today! One that I applied for back in March-in San Fran! They want me, so now I just have to get back out there before they change there minds, and before she changes hers. 


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Now playing: De La Soul - i. c. y'all
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So with the uproar this week amongst internet junkies and those weekly wrap up shows over Kayne, Joe Wilson, a Sarina I have been thinking was it all so bad? The Joe Wilson thing I believe was a bit different but it gets lumped in with the other two simply because of the timing. Perhaps the water is beginning to boil and temperatures are rising so, that we as a nation are not going to be able to bite our tongues and play civil anymore. With the outbreak in racism (both online and in the streets) that I've personally been witnessing, the issues that have for so long been swept under the collective rug of America are coming out. In some ways I feel that it isn't such a bad thing. We need to have this dialogue/conversation and is it really so bad that people express how they really feel. When I moved to St. Louis a few years ago one of the first hings I noticed is that there was even more racism there than in the south where I was raised. I had just left Georgia where people use the Confederate flag as decoration in their living rooms, yet the difference in the Mid-West was that it was undercover. In the South most of the racism is out front its open and obvious, you know the guy with the Monster truck with a gun rack and rebel flag front license plate is a member of the KKK. Hell in my native North Carolina the Klan adopt stretches of highway.  That's one of the reasons I feel (as does former President Carter) that I can spot bigotry when I see it. MY point though is that when I reached the Mid-West you had what I call polite racism. I got a job working at a very upscale French restaurant, I was one of only two people on the line for much of my time there and I held my own fairly well. One evening I slightly over fried some tempura string beans, nothing major they were just a little more brown than they should have been, my boss (the owner) decided to deride me by asking me if I learned to fry at McDonald's. Now where as I had worked at McyD's for four months when I was in the 10th grade, he didn't know that and had no reason to say such a thing. I took it as an insult (which it was) and based not just on that but other little comments he would make, that he was making such an accusation simple based on my skin color. He had seen my resume and he knew very well that I had worked in upscale restaurants quite a bit. It was little subtle bits of prejudice that I felt my entire time in St. Louis. Needless to say that was not the only time I saw undercover racism. In New York whole blocks are carved up and divided by nationality's not even race. Bosnian on one side Serbians on the other, Peurto Rican girls jumping on a girl on the train because "her nose looked Dominican", I've seen it all for the most part. In my opinion these are the ways those in power keep the people divided. Divide and conquer anyone? How do you combat this, well I say we drag it out into the open, and refuse to ignore it. It's nice to talk all peace and love, but to reach the point where everyone is group hugging we're going to have to put nutsacks to buttcracks and discuss how we really feel. Even if it something as trivial as believing Beyonce deserved the Award for best female Video or what ever it was.

http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
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Now playing: Nina Simone - Mood Indigo
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Told ya!

Now this is pretty cool; Apparently a man streaked a New York Met's baseball game on May 12th with nothing but a stuffed Monkee tied around his waist. He pled guilty today and was subsequently banned from all Mets games and fined $3000 along with being given 20 hours of community service. Apparently his boss bet him a weeks salary to do it. I hope he makes at least three grand a week or it might not be so funny now. I'm sure it was hilarious though, and now he has his life back because he won't waste endless hours watching shitty ass baseball. Hopefully the Monkee in him doesn't actually care. Back in Atlanta I worked at a heavy metal club and our boss would bet us to do insane shit for chump change, we called them Goon Bets. This good news, along with the guy in Phoenix Arizona who made news this week trying to beat the speed trap cameras by wearing a Monkee "Mask". It seems the Armada is taking hold, I say with all the stupid, crazy, shit that is going o in the world today we should all be releasing our inner Monkee.  

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Now playing: Crass - Bomb Plus Bomb Tape
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I watched There Will Be Blood  (for like the 50th time) last night, I may watch it again after I get done listening to my weekly wrestling shows on the Internets. Its got me thinking about the tough economic times, the nations and my own particularly. I have been out of work for the longest I have ever been in my life and there doesn't seem to be any good news on the horizon. I live like I'm in the great depression now, I shit, eat, and smoke when I have to, because toilet paper, food, and cigarettes are all expensive. I know my situation is in large part my own fault, stupid choices, and too many months wallowing in self pity. That's the main reason I haven't been writing many personal blogs lately. But the economy on a whole has been suffering just as bad if not worse than me. And it hurts me that a group of people in this country are so up in arms about the government wanting to help people out with some sort of health care relief, when we have such a dark economy right now, people really need help. I know I need help, and I have never been a supporter of the government. I have an Anarchy symbol tattooed on my right arm. I have been very vocal in my protest and objection to government of all kinds not just America's. I still believe in Anarchy and would welcome the absolution of the concept as it exist today. But, I accepted long ago that that won't likely happen in my lifetime. I write my beliefs for the future and if I inspire someone today so be it.  I digress, the majority of the dissent in this nation right now strikes me not as having to do with policy but with something more deep seated. The majority of the people who scream about "taking our country back" are not saying that because a Democrat is in office. The charges of socialism were not around during the Clinton administration. The accusations of high taxes and liberty's and rights being stripped away were unheard of from these very same people during the Bush administration, when they actually were being stripped away. I almost lost it this week though, when people began to freak out because Obama gave a speech to the nations school children! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! How can you say that the President of the United States should not be talking to your child? Is it really because he has liberal policies? Because Obama is more middle of the road liberal than say some of the people in congress who don't get any where near the heat he does. Or is it more because he represents something else you don't want your children exposed to. I have been reluctant to publicly say some of this, but facts are 1969 was not that long ago. As far as we would like to pretend we have come in the last 50 years, we still have a long way to go to bridge the divide. The things I've been reading online lately, from blogs, to blog comments have filled me with nothing but dread for the future. Between the sentiments being expressed, the dire economy, the apocalypse that I have been watching and waiting for all my life may be around the corner. It's time I pull myself up by my bootstraps and start drinking all your milkshakes.What they're really afraid of is the truth that he is stating in this video, that you can make it to the Presidency despite not coming from an elitist family. Thats the bottom line the status quo is only the rich  inheret positions of power and so much wealth in this country is passed down through generations.

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Now playing: The Black Keys - Run Me Down
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